Today Is a Gift…That is Why it is Called the Present

So quick update on life. This weekend was ‘His’ homecoming. And it went. He looks good, he sounds great. And it sort of broke my heart to realize that I haven’t made the progress I was hoping to. It’s hard to realize that he really does not want me involved in his life. That he’s going to date, and grow and change and doesn’t want any of that to involve me. I felt almost like I was taking 3 steps back and I’d only taken 2 steps forward. But I’m very grateful that I went. That I won’t have that as a regret. That’s really been the biggest influence in my life lately.
Also on Saturday I spent the entire day with EMT training. It was actually, rather enjoyable. Crazy though. I enjoyed my group. We will definitely be close by the end of class with all the touching and moving we all do. But really, that’s a good thing. And I’m grateful I don’t have personal space issues.

Today Is a Gift…That is Why it is Called the Present

What is the dominant emotions in your life right now?
Anxiety and confusion. Mixed with gratitude and happiness. I sound so ungrateful when I say that I am so confused in my life right now. However, I really have a lot of insecurities and the return of Eric has not really helped them out. In fact probably made them worse. It’s hard because everyone goes on about how he is so great, and still the same kid, etc. etc. and so forth. And it makes me wonder. What makes me so different? How come he can treat everyone else the same but he can’t even keep contact with me? It’s especially hard since I am still in love with the kid—because I’m a masochist. >.<

Who made you feel good this week?
My boss has. He gave me an amazing compliment and let me know that they’re grateful for me to be working here. Larry, from the Radio did as well, by telling my coworker that I brought a cute personality with me to the job announcement. Even if I disagree with him—there is a reason I never wanted to be a Radio personality—he still made me feel good. Most of the boys from my EMT class. They spent half of Saturday telling that they had not problem with me bandaging them or getting up close and personal. My Mom and My other self because they continue to tell me that I am doing good. Even though they are the ones who see me at my weakest the most.

What was the biggest mistake you made this week?
Letting other people get to me. Being acted upon rather than standing alone. So basically being subject to my hormones and emotions—and consequently taking them out on someone else.

What’s the funniest thing that happened to you this week?
Sad to say, I'm really not so sure. I think it was pretty freaking funny when I was doing Patient Assessments on Zachary and he kept making up things and changing them. But now that I reflect, actually the funniest moment this last week is when my puppy Giselle ran into a chair at top speed. Really it shouldn't have been so funny, but I'm a horrible owner and laughed hysterically, seeing this fuzzy poofball running as fast as she could and not watching where she was going. I was told I did that a lot as a little girl.

What are you looking forward to the most?
Disneyland! My chance to escape with two of my favorite people EVER! And to pretend that all my other worries don’t exist.

What makes you the happiest today?
Probably the fact that I’m going to the temple today. It’s just going to be AWESOME!

What is something you want to accomplish this week?

I want to get my car serviced. And also get my EMT homework complete. Pass my test for EMT. And enjoy myself at Disneyland. I also am hoping to be more charitable and less concerned about what others think or expect of me.

Life as I know It

Life as I Know It
Well, I am very grateful for my life. Things haven’t been bad so far. I am a moron and feel a lot of anxiety and I think that I will until Sunday when I go to “The Homecoming” Okay, so really it shouldn’t be a big enough deal to put capital letters on but I will be ready to get it over with this At least that's what I keep telling myself. I hate all of this. I hate that I’m still basing things on it. I really am as pathetic as I feel. *sigh* But lets not dwell on my insecurites and how pathetic I am.
But my EMT class is going smashingly. It makes me extremely busy but really that can only be a good thing. I’m learning a lot and getting to see a lot of really gross pictures. It also reminds me that I’m very grateful to have chosen the career I did. I really had wanted something in the medical field but I can see that I wouldn’t have enjoyed it the way I do working with people now. But it’s good knowledge and I think that I’ll enjoy volunteering for the ambulance. So in many ways I get the best of both worlds. On Saturday we’re having class all day and we’re learning how to triage—which is sorting people in mass casualties and how to extricate people from vehicles. That will be pretty cool. Not to mention the bandaging and to splint. Things like bulging eyeballs and such. Yeah, it’s pretty great.
Then I’m going to Disneyland in a week. I am so excited. I seriously have some of the most amazing people in my life. We will be leaving on Thursday and will have 3 glorious days in California. With Disney surrounding us. And sun. Woo hoo. I can honestly say that this will be relieving. I hope that it's not pathetic. ^ ^ And that's mostly my life. It's great. I'm very blessed. Even when I don't recognize it. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you realize you're blessings.
And I’m still on my hey-random-blogging-things-of-no-importance kick. So, here are various favorites.

Favorites
My favorite colors are GREEN & PURPLE! Because they are just so fun and bright and happy. When I wear them I feel like I can brighten the world.
My favorite place in the whole world is the temple, especially the Manti Temple. It is where I go anytime that I have worries or struggles. Where I’m most happy and where I find the most peace. I’m so lucky that it is so close.
My favorite dream was being content. Where I just drifting off, sort of floating around. I don’t know why but it always makes me feel content.
My favorite food is whatever is going into my mouth at the time, mostly. With the exception of mushrooms, octopus, and brussel sprouts I’m generally good.
My Favorite flavor of ice cream is Half BakedÒ. Seriously, this stuff is more than ice cream it’s like a way of life. A girl’s best friend. You don’t just have ice cream but you also have chunks of brownies, globs of cookie dough
My favorite type of music is musicals. What can I say? I live for corn and cheese.
What was your favorite subject in school? Drama. Or human biology.
Who was your favorite teacher? Hm… In Elementary Mr. Blauer. In Jr. High Mrs. Chamberlain. In High School Mrs. Liddell or Mr. Eastman. And in College probably Steve. Or Jen. Overall—probably Steve.
What was your favorite cartoon? That’s got to be a mix between X-men Evolution and Gargoyles.
As a child, who was your favorite relative? Hm, my Grandpa McArthur. He was wonderful. I loved spending time with him. *Sigh* I really miss him.
My favorite outfit right now is probably cute jeans, a frilly top and flats. Comfy yet cute.
My favorite book is Scarlet Pimpernel right now. Yeah, that’s a good one.
My favorite comedian is Brian Regan.
My favorite animal is a dog. Mostly because of my puppy.
My favorite movie is The Blind Side.
My favorite activity is reading a book.
My favorite candy bar is Twix.
And that's really all the favorites I can think of.

2301 Things in lists of 10

My life has been sort of dull lately. Mostly revolving around my EMT class, my puppy, trying to avoid the thought of D-Day and spending a lot of time with my family. But I still wanted to post things and wanted something interesting (or fun)--at least to me. So I found some lists. Here of the Lists of 10.

10 things that make me happy are...
1. Half-Baked ice cream
2. Helping people
3. The gospel
4. My dog
5. Romantic comedies
6. Silly putty
7. Family & friends
8. Green and purple
9. Silly memories
10. Road trips

10 things that I value about life are...
1. Life
2. Food
3. The gospel
4. My family
5. Love
6. Faith
7. Truth
8. Hard-work
9. The ability to feel
10. Good company

10 things that I believe in are...
1. God
2. The LDS Church
3. True Love
4. World Peace
5. Evil
6. Family
7. Temple Marriage
8. Karma
9. Friendship
10. The value of hard work

11 lessons that I have learned so far in my life are...
1. Not everything ends in happily ever after
2. Hard work pays off.
3. Good decisions make a good life.
4. Love will always be worth the pain you risk—even if the pain is what you end up with.
5. You must risk to get gain.
6. Family and friends help shape us into who you are..
7. Nothing is ever easy nor is it ever free.
8. Bad things happen to good people.
9. God has the answer to everything. Science just asks questions.
10. It’s easier to be rude and angry but you’re more successful it you can always find something good about a person
11. All too often one gets EXACTLY what they ask for but its seldom what we really want

10 things that make me laugh...
1. Disney Movies
2. Lame jokes
3. Dogs chasing their tails
4. Toddlers
5. Polk-a-dots
6. The Far Side
7. Quotes
8. Off the Wall comments
9. Old memories
10. Friends

10 things that make me cry are...
1. Patriotic themes
2. Heartbreak
3. Lost ones memories
4. Touching stories
5. Happy endings
6. Periods
7. Getting angry
8. Being Happy
9. Being Sad
10. Basically any extreme emotion

10 places that I would like to visit are...
1. The Temple
2. Las Vegas Temple
3. Rome
4. Italy
5. East Coast
6. Greece
7. Nauvoo
8. Church History
9. Disney World
10. Egypt

10 Things that Stress me out are...
1. Basically Failure
2. Not having enough to do.
3. Not understanding
4. Panic attacks
5. Deadlines
6. Procrastination
7. Not helping people
8. School work
9. Not getting enough sleep
10. Not taking care of myself

10 people that I would love to meet are...
If only alive people then:
1. President Monson
2. President Uctdorf
3. Paul Ekman
4. Dan Brown
5. my future spouse (freaking get here already!)
6. Diane Ackerman
7. Elder Gerald N. Lund
8. Sister Sherri Dew
9. Doris Day
10. President Holland
If alive or dead:
1. Joseph Smith
2. President Monson
3. Emma Smith
4. Abraham Lincoln
5. George Washington
6. Emily Bronte
7. WWII American Soldier
8. Grandma McArthur
9. Grandma Roberts
10. Killick Roberts

10 things that I would like to carry with me at all times are...
1. Chap stick
2. Chocolate
3. Face mask
4. Makeup kit
5. Book of Mormon
6. Pen & paper
7. Book
8. Identification
9. Camera
10. Lighter

10 expectations that I have of myself are...
1. To get a masters degree
2. To continuously work on bettering myself
3. To be successful in a career that I enjoy
4. To be a wife
5. To be a mother
6. To run a 5K again
7. To bike a 50 miler
8. To compete in a triathalon
9. To continuously be active in the Gospel
10. To constantly learn and gain knowledge

10 things that I do well are...
1. Learn
2. Help others
3. Maintain friendships
4. Dramatize things
5. Cook
6. Write
7. Run
8. Listen actively
9. Talk
10. Give

10 things that I can improve on are...
1. Speaking more articulately
2. Being more kind
3. Being less judgmental
4. Communicating more effectively
5. Maintaining a schedule
6. Budgeting
7. Following Instructions
8. Humility
9. Being more loving
10. Follow through

10 things that I love about my family are...
1. Their love is unconditional
2. They pamper me
3. They let me pretend to be their princess.
4. They give me hugs and let me snuggle.
5. They are unique.
6. They provide wisdom and knowledge.
7. They can always make me laugh.
8. They offer never-ending support.
9. They have given me the gospel
10. They let me care and love them

10 beautiful things outside are...
1. Flowers
2. Birds
3. Animals
4. Waterfalls
5. Trees
6. Mountains
7. Ocean
8. Streams/lakes/ bodies of water
9. Sunsets/rises
10. Sky (clouds specifically)

10 good books that I have read are...
1. Book of Mormon
2. Believing Christ
3. Ishmael
4. The Power of Touch
5. For All Eternity
6. Twilight Series
7. Harry Potter Series
8. Scarlet Pimpernel
9. Hearts in Hiding
10. Mere Christianity

10 of my favorite movie stars are...
1. Doris Day
2. Julie Andrews
3. Andy Griffith
4. Rock Hudson (anyone notice a pattern)
5. Cary Grant
6. Sandra Bullock
7. Vin Diesel
8. Amanda Bynes
9. Channing Tatum
10. David Boreanaz

10 popular music groups/artists are...
1. Most things Broadway (Show Tunes)
2. Disney
3. Nickleback
4. Taylor Swift
5. Brad Paisley
6. Boys Like Girls
7. Daughtry
8. Seriously Evan
9. Katy Perry
10. Stephen Speaks

10 fun things to do are...
1. Write
2. Read
3. Be with those I love
4. Watch movies/T.V.
5. Play with my puppy
6. Read
7. Run
8. Wii Fit
9. Driving Around
10. Sleep

10 great daydreams are...
1. Snuggling
2. Flying around
3. Kissing Strangers
4. Succeeding at a goal
5. Having Superpowers
6. Hugging
7. Romantic Notions
8. Plans going my way
9. Eating yummy things
10. Entering peace

10 special people in my life are...
1. My Mom
2. My Dad
3. Braden
4. Zachary
5. Giselle
6. My other Self
7. Heather
8. Toni
9. My Grandpa
10. SUMCT Crisis Team

10 great movies are...
1. Scarlet Pimpernel (all of them)
2. She’s the Man
3. Pride & Prejudice
4. Blind Side
5. My Life in Ruins
6. Big Fat Greek Wedding
7. Anastasia
8. Emma Smith My Story
9. Almost any Disney Pixar
10. Practically any Disney

Happiness

For the first time in several months, I am genuinely happy. It's so great to find myself again. There are a few thorns--I wish that I had a social life, but I don't go get one.--But really I am busy with work and the EMT course I'm taking. It's so nice to be busy. I flourish under the stress--seriously I found it more stressful when I had every night free to myself. Life is good though. I love being happy. I can definitely tell that my worry and pain is being buffered. I'm very grateful for it. For my Heavenly Father and His help for me to see the good points in my life. The highs rather than the lows. I know that He helps me with that. It really seems like everytime I start to get down and go "oh, woe is me" I start to think how blessed I really am. And I am so grateful for that. It's hard to be depressed and unhappy when you are thinking about all the things that are blessings. It's wonderful.

Count Your Blessings

I am SO grateful for my life. It's so funny I just deleted two long paragraphs on how much I am so confused and so lost and then I got in a conversation and realized I am SO blessed. So here are the things I am grateful for:
1. My parents--they let me live at home, even after all my whining about hating living at home and being miserable. They love me unconditionally, accept my mistakes and help me through my challenges. They seldom chide me or yell and they constantly love and accept me.
2. My friends-- My friends allow me to be dramatic and quirky and listen to my petty problems as well. The guy friends that I have that want more are so good to still be my friend and accept me and my idiocy and selfishness.
3. My SUU Family--Two of my best friends! They listen to me even though they've faced much worse. They love me and seem think I'm amazing when I'm so human and so not. But in addition, they give me a solution to my problem and come with me to Disneyland.
4. My other self--She listens to me constantly, often putting my meagar petty problems in front of her own. She loves me and tries always to take time out of her life for me.
5. Musicals--Life is just better when broadway music is involved.
6. Coworkers--I genuinely enjoy the people you work with. And they are always available to offer wisdom and advice. They seem to care about me and enjoy me. I hope that's not too narcisstic. Maybe they just put up with me because they have to. But I really enjoy them and the advice and the comradery they offer.
7. My job--it's a double edged sword but I enjoy helping and working with people.
8. My dog--she's a pain and still not potty trained. But mostly that's my fault. She offers up unconditional love and affection even if I only get to see her for 20 minutes as I'm getting ready for bed. Or if I've not given her any attention. I honestly can say its hard to imagine life without her.
9. The gospel--I love the gospel. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be a part in it and how much it blesses my life. Seriously I'm very grateful for my Heavenly Father and Savior. And the love and assistance they offer me.

Landlords--Old & New

The last post was written on the 4 of January--I think the power must of went out while I was trying to post it.
Life has been going. And really it's been good. I am very blessed to have any amazing family and friends as a great support system. I need it, especially these upcoming weeks. I have to face my fears the end of February and I'm just very grateful that I have a support system in place. I know, as try as I am not to, that he's going to break my heart again. I'm trying to set myself up for it as protection but I'm weak. However, I know that I'm going to be okay, in the end at least.
I have had to deal with landlords this week. My last landlord before I moved home still has not given me my deposit. Which is a little ridiculous seeing that it's been 6 months since I moved out. Well past the legal time. I should have pressed actions quicker. But I did call back in Oct, Nov, and Dec each call informing me that they've mailed it. Joyous.
On a good note I've found a small 1 bedroom apartment so I'll be moving. Which is good. I'm excited to be out from under my parents wings. I love them but it's been difficult living with them after being away for so long. The part I've struggled most with is that I haven't felt like I'm an adult. More like a child. And like I had to prove myself as an adult. Not because my parents treated me like a child. It's more along the lines of my own inadequacies. Now I have a small but quaint spot to call my own. It will be nice. :D I'm very grateful for it. So theres the news in my life. A fear of reruns from the past--and my lovely EMT course. My amazing group of family and friends. And my puppy and I facing the adventures of being by ourselves. It's joyous--really it is. :D

Belated Holiday Wishes and New Beginnings

Happy Holidays. Even if it is a little belated. As I think of it I really have nothing to say. I adore Christmas--I just love the Christmas season. The idea of giving and service. I really tried--although I didn't succeed fully--to focus more on the giving part of Christmas. New Years, however, was actually the better part of the holidays. I had had to work Christmas eve and it was more rushed. I didn't feel the Christmas season--the songs and the splendor as much as I normally do. I also felt reminded of my singularity. Visiting my ex-missionary's family probably didn't help that aspect so much. However my New Years was surrounded by my close friends and family and was wonderful. Now I'm back in the swing of things working full time. I'm taking an EMT course which also will take up a lot of my time. Ironic isn't it? Me becoming an EMT. 6 months ago I couldn't even be near an ambulance or hear sirens. I am pretty nervous over that. But I feel pretty good about it and will enjoy the experience I'm sure.

Other than that my life is relatively nondescript. I have been nervous for February I don't really want to face my ex-missionary but I know I'll put on a good face. It will just still break my heart but he won't know.

I'm very blessed though. I have wonderful friends--several of which have offered to be here for me. And an amazing family that support me in my patheticness.