Life is Wonderful--without it we'd be dead.

Life really is so amazing. I am so grateful for it--even if I am struggling at times. It's just different because last year I had such amazing friends for me all the time and even through all the struggles everything was so easy. And I had so much faith. Now I'm trying to maintain my faith but it seems much more difficult. Really though I am so grateful for life. This last weekend I had a great time seeing my two best friends and old roommates. We went and saw Disney's Princess & the Frog. It was really nice to spend time with them. To hear their lives and to know them. Not to be worried about what they were thinking of me. Or how I should react.
It seems lately that around people here I always am on egg shells of some kind. Even with my friends here at home. (All two that I spend time with) One I'm scared because I know he would like something more than friendship and I don't want to encourage those thoughts. Things have been rough living at home as well. Although they have been a lot better this week. Two weeks ago my Mom and I went to my ex-missionary's sister's babyshower (that's not confusing at all) and it was really hard for me. And I've just been miserable anyway. Well, before the shower Mom and I got in a major arguement. Where she suggested maybe I move out because I've been so miserable at home. We were able to resolve things and I know that she doesn't want it but I've really started thinking that maybe it's the best idea for me.
I've started looking into it but there's only so many places that allow dogs where I don't have to deal with roommates. Ideally I'd like somewhere I could have an apartment to myself but still be around people my age--college students. Realistically it doesn't look like that's going to happen unless I want to surround myself around married students. Which seems counterproductive. But we'll see. I did find a good place but it's not open until May and I'm not really the most patient person. And really, as much as my family will deny it, I'm sure they wouldn't mind me being gone sooner than that. I haven't been very easy to live with.
As much as it sounds like I am complaining I am, surprisingly, quite happy this week. (Seriously, it seems a lot easier than weeks in the past.) I love my job and I have been somewhat busy outside of work. Nothing major but enough that I feel like I have a life. I think though that the biggest change is my perspective. I'm trying to solely put my faith in my Heavenly Father and let things work the way he wants. I realized that I can't let a silly boy be the cause of my loss of perspective. I knew I was doing the right thing and just because things didn't work out the way I was expecting them to doesn't mean they won't work out. It's a concept that I forget all too often.
But I'm grateful for my friends. Their help this weekend--offering the comradery and the silliness--it's so relieving not to have to be adult all the time. I'm sure that they're part of the reason for my semi-contentment right now.

The Pack

I looked in horror, thinking something amiss
I was expected to carry this?
The pack was burdened, not a welcoming sight
Something was wrong, it couldn't be right
Still expectant eyes held it out to me
Telling me to climb a mountain
Which top I couldn't see
Then they placed on my back, this unforgiving pack
Then sent me on this difficult path
Wondering how I was to act
Looking forward I set my sights
Hoping one could relieve this plight
I started, I stumbled, and fell on my way
Struggled to life myself from where I lay
I saw others with packs like mine
Some large, some small, others just the same
I was amazed at how some went on just fine
While some whose packs, like mine, seemed to maim
I heard the encouragement others would speak
At my stumbling step and spirit so weak
Others grumbled at the packs they carried
While more just sat and simply tarried
Not matter the words I heard others give
I still struggled, fell, and had no more to give
I dropped to my knees
I could no longer go on
My pack was to heavy
For me to continue along
I felt the blisters, the sweat and the tears
And knew above all failure was my fear
I bowed my sinful head
Let out a mournful sigh
How could I let this trial take me by surprise?
Then feeling defeat I began to cry
I prayed to the Father I knew was up there
The one I knew loved me and truly did care
I tried to explain that I was too weak
The circumstances looked dire and entirely bleak
Without some help I couldn't go on
My natural self weak and my burdens too strong
I felt a shadow fall over my head
And I knew somehow he'd heard what I said
Someone had come to stop my cries of defeat
So I looked up to view a pair of worn feet
Saw the prints on dusted soles
Knew he was the one who redeemed my soul
As my gaze moved up to his outstretched hand
Scarred at the palm, I knew this man
I recognized the kindness in his eyes
Knew he alone could help me rise
I watched in awe as he took my pack
Lifted me and checked that I was intact
With gentleness he encouraged me on
Carrying my pack all along
Without difficulty we reached the top
Only then did he pause to stop
Only then did he drop my burden
I looked at him with eyes uncertain
He took me in his loving embrace
He overwhelmed me with the joy on my face
Before showing me the awaiting Father
Who looked and cried "Oh, my daughter."
He said "My child, welcome home
It's been to long that you've been alone
You called on Me to make you strong
Child, We could have been with you all along.
Yet at least you called before you quit
And we're just happy that you made it."
I looked and realized the joy He truly felt
Astonished at that way their love enveloped
They led me to glory unveiled
Undeserving, for without Him I would have failed
Only the Savior could carry my trails
He could show me that the journey was worthwhile
He was the one to raise me when I was weak
And only with Him could I reach the peak

This is something I wrote awhile ago but was newly found. It's not really very good but truly so amazing. Because of the emotions and the reminders it sets for me.