Princesses on Ice

Last Wednesday (11-11-09) I went to Disney Princesses on Ice with some friends! *pause to let everyone wonder why someone not of the ages 3-11 would want to voluntarily go to that without the influence of someone of said ages* Really it was so great. Very, very enjoyable. (At least to me.) I had work off that day and was so grateful to have something to do. And seriously, I adore all things Disney.

It was great though. I went with my best friend and one of our guy friends. There really was no force involved in getting him to come, despite what he says. I also adored seeing the masses of little girls dressed up in their Disney Princess costumes. We even saw some little boys in Prince crowns and carrying swords. It really was so great. I struggle expressing how much fun I had with it. Ode to Disney and it's multitude of characters.

After the show we all went and watched Godzilla (had to feed my guy friend testosterone I guess.) It really was rather entertaining and certainly an improvement from the 1970s version of the show--I never could get over the screaming oriental people who miraculously speak english or the robotic movements of the giant lizard. I gush over those type of things in musicals but not in movies. It was very enjoyable still. Made me feel rebellious (I really need to get over that) because I didn't get home until 3 in the morning and I had work at 7 the next morning. It was all good though. Life really is enjoyable.

I still struggle with the whole broken heart thing. And I complain a lot about needing to have a social life. Which I do. But I am grateful for life. And for the little (& big things in it.) My next adventure involves High School Musical (my little brother is in the play--I can honestly say those are some Disney movies I do NOT adore) and New Moon (in which I'll critique and roll my eyes because they'll never capture the book.) So stay tuned to the meiserly life of me.

Gardens, Swimming, & Magna

I went up to see my old roommate this weekend. It was the first time I was away from my puppy for a full night (actually it was even two) which was sorta scary. I left her in care with my dad. He's such a sucker. When I wanted to get a puppy he straight up refused. He was so mad at me when I went to get it. And now he adores her. It's my favorite when he comes and tells me what she does. Or when I'm going to do something and he volunteers to care for her. I really am so blessed with my parents. But I went to visit and it was, really, so nice! I desperately needed to be around someone I could be myself around. I didn't worry about whether or not she was going to be annoyed with me. Or if I was going to be entertained. I didn't have to worry about focusing on her or if I was being selfish.
Also I got to blow off steam. I was able to talk about my broken heart without hearing that I needed to get over it. Without feeling like she didn't want to hear it. I could just talk. And I could listen. It was alright for her to relay her frustrations over her relationships, her family, her life. And neither of us judged. Both of us were validated. (At least, I hope she felt such.) It really is a very good thing to be able to have someone you could go to. I love my parents and my other friends but lately I've had to focus more on them, their lives & complications and felt like I haven't been able to take a little for myself.
The first night I was there we went to the dollar theater, GI Joe--pretty good movie in my opinion. And then we just drove and talked. And talked. Saturday we went to a temple and did baptisms--such a good experience. I love that. We went swimming with another friend. Which was great! I haven't gone swimming for the LONGEST time. After that we got ourselves all prettyfied and went to The Garden. Which is nice restaurant at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in Salt Lake City. It overlooks Temple Square and isn't terribly pricey--still pricier than I'm used to (which doesn't say much) but within my meager budget. It was fun to feel elegant and classy and pampered. Plus the view is great. Also, the roof is retractable and the weather was nice enough that when we asked about it the manager opened the roof for us. It was awesome! And we felt priveleged. After that we really just hung out and enjoyed everything. I came home Sunday, was very happy to see my puppy and spend time with my family.
But I'm so grateful for the weekend. I'm glad I am so blessed with friends like this. Friends that are there for me. And allow me to be there for them.

Rants & Letters to All

I guess I'm just following the crowd, but I really liked this. My friend Toni did this on her blog (after saying that others had done this as well) but I really enjoyed it, and sort of feel like this would be a good activity. So this is writing letters to members (or aspects) of my life. The majority of them are rants because I won't actually rant to them in real life and no one really reads this thing anyway.

Dear Life in General,
You scare me. Mostly because I have no idea what is going on or what is going to happen. And I think we both know how well I react when I feel extreme losses in self control. I realize that you are trying to help me grow. Expand. Become something more. But I really wish that sometimes things could just go according to how I want or have planned. Because right now I feel lost. Seriously, I would really appreciate it if you could just get good. I know I have many many blessings in my life. But right now I feel so abandoned by all but my Heavenly Father.
Seriously, Me

Dear Parents,
I love you. Really I do. I am so grateful to have you as parents. That you raised me to have a fighting chance. I am grateful that you love me. That your love knows no bounds. But still. I don't like being treated like I'm still in high school. And I'm not liking being the support system. Especially when I'm so tangled up inside. And I hate that you tell me its okay to hurt. That you tell me you understand. But you're not there for me. I need someone who will listen. And when I try to come to you about my broken heart you either tell me I need to move on and get over it, or you change the subject to something unrelated. Or you blow me off. That's the worst. I know you live busy lives but even the little things you blow me off for. Bluntly and generally when you really don't need to go. And I don't feel validated lately. It hurts me over and over. But I smile and act like I'm okay. And you buy it. How can you buy something so blatantly not true? How can you honestly accept me saying that I am alright. I'm getting over it when I was in love with the cad for 4 years. And I don't want to hear that I'll be okay. Because I'm not okay right now. No matter how much of a face I put on. I don't like being weak. But I should be able to be weak around my family. And lately I haven't felt like I can. Seriously though, I love you and I am so happy that I'm near you right now but if feels like you can't tell that I really do need you. Not your boundaries. But you.
Love, Your Daughter
P.S. Mom, I know this shouldn't bother me but I really wish you were home more too. You spend so much time working. Even on the days you don't work late you don't get home in time for dinner and you're too tired to really be around us. I think this may be the reason I have a hard time talking. You're either not home or too tired. Or you are focusing on work even though you aren't working.

Dear Ex-Missionary,
There is a thin line in the heart that covers love and hate. I honestly believe you can't hate somebody until you've loved them. And most of the time I don't hate you, not really. I know that. But I hate that you hurt me like this. I hate that you had to know how bad you could hurt me and yet you did it anyway. Sometimes I feel like you did it because you knew it would hurt me. I don't understand why you've changed but frankly I don't see that you've changed for the better. It's callous and unfeeling to hurt someone as casually as you did me. I'm sure it would have hurt for you to get home and things not to work out but I would at least have the closure knowing that we tried. You took that from me and I really feel you're a prick for doing so.
I hate that I feel you can't get over things and you stupidly place blame on me. And you really are an idiot if that's the case. You are teaching the atonement and repentance and forgiveness. But you can't put your past behind you. And it makes you hypocrite. And maybe you don't blame me. It certainly feels that way though. LIke you can't forgive the past enough to forgive me and give me a chance in the future. But mayhap this is how you feel you can best move on. To give up the future.
And I'm sure that you think this is the right thng. And it probably is. But right now I'm hurting. And it's because you were not enough of a man to do this right. Instead you cowardly wrote a letter and tried to make it as little of fuss for you as possible. Prick.
The thing that I hate the most though is that I still love you. You are still the one I want. Not you as you have become but as you were when I knew you. I still compare guys to you and they come up short.
I also think you're ridiculous in judging me and telling me how I should be progressing. Where do you get off in deciding how ANYONE should progress. Or knowing how I've progressed given its been almost 2 1/2 years since you've seen me or had a real conversation with me.
Another thing that I hate. That I hate you for. That I feel I have to be calm and mature about all this. Because it would just prove your point that I'm immature. And you really are an idiot. You probably will find a great amazing girl who will make you happy and your family will love. But the fact remains that you could have had that with me. Dirt bag.
Grudgingly, The Girl Who Loves You

Dear Other Self,
I love you. I do. Thank you so much for all of the time you have spent with me. All the effort you put in to me. I'm sorry that I've been such a wench lately. That I am so demanding and so needy. And that I hate that you are so busy. I resent other aspects in your life. Also that I resent that it hasn't been just you and me forever. I'm also sorry that I resent your fiance. He really is a good guy. Sometimes I am just jealous, which is rather un-best-friend like of me. Sorry. Other times I really am just protective. He's not good enough for you. But he makes you happy. And you are really one of the best friends a girl could have. Thank you. Seriously, you make my life happier.
Love, Your Other Self
(for those that don't understand, I really am addressing another actual being. Not another entity of myself. )

Dear Love Life,
You suck.
--Yours Truly

Dear Boys,
You suck too. I hate that you can make girls so crazy and insecure. And that you feel intimidated by a girl who is smart and forward. That you go after bimbos who are desperate and floozies. Making the rest of us (namely, me) feel insecure, unwanted, and ugly. I hate that you will approach some girls randomly, really making sure that they know you exist and then barely glancing at the rest of it.
Sincerely, My insecurities

Dear Social Life,
You suck too. Why do I feel stupid and awkward in situations where I would be able to make new friends. I work with the public and love it. But as soon as it comes to a situation around people my age I freeze.
I hate that everybody I meet is either 5-20 years older than me or 18 year olds who don't seem to know anything about life. And I really don't have many opportunities to meet people.
So I hate you. Mostly because you are nonexistent.
Awkwardly, More insecurities

Dear Area,
A girl does not have to get married as soon as she's graduated high school. So quit asking me if I'm married and then acting like there's something wrong with me that I'm not. I'm only 20. Besides that it's a total in your face. It's like 'oh lets remind her of where she's failed. It doesn't matter if she has a college education or a good respectable job. We'll focus on the one aspect she sucks at.' However, ironically, this also seems to be the people who tell me to embrace being single it's the only time in my life I have to myself. Seriously? You tell me this then go back to your wife/husband and snuggle up. Its seldom I hear single people telling me this. Just those who are married, who probably were just as anxious to be married when they were single.
Somewhat annoyed, My Frustrations

Dear Job,
You get me through the day. I enjoy the challenge of you and the fact that I am helping people. But I really do miss advocating. But thank you. Because my life would be really empty without you. And because I have met some amazing coworkers who are so sweet and caring and some amazing people in general.
Me

Dear Best Friend 1,
You light up my life. The only problem I have where you are concerned is that you are 2 1/2 hours away. But you were willing to travel those miles when you know I'm breaking. That you can sit with me and make sure I am okay. I love you and am so grateful for your friendship. For being understanding. For not being accusing. You listen to my rants. And you make sense of them. You seem to understand that I don't want to hear the dickhead should die. I just want to say it. But I know it's not true. You also get that I don't want to hear that it's for the best. You just listen and empathize. Thank you.
Forever grateful, Your Old Roommate

Other Friends,
I hate that you don't seem surprised that I got my heart broken. There's no "I'm so sorry" or "oh my goodness, are you alright." Instead what I hear is "Oh, okay. That sucks." Change of subject. Something about your life. Or how you are so heartbroken because someone doesn't like you, or you broke up after a brief stint. Because that really is comparable. You feel so bad about your life and I empathize. I do. I listen to you about it. I hear your problems. And then gloss over mine. Because we all know I'm strong. I can get through. When in reality I am the weakest person I know. And I need encouragement and love. Especially given the facts. This kid, this moron, was my life, and what I thought of as my future for almost 4 years. But go ahead talk about the person you've known for days or a year. Because all you see is the devil may care persona. Seriously, why would you believe the person who tells you "Oh, it's okay. He just broke my heart. But I'll be okay." Isn't that brave for: My world has stopped. I need help but I don't know how to ask."
Begrudgingly, Disappointment

Dear Readers,
Sorry you had to endure that. But I really needed to unwind and I don't really do so well if I rant merely to myself. In fact it just builds up if I'm ranting to myself. And, as you can tell, I don't have anybody to really rant to anymore. So sorry to get the brunt of my rants. But really I've been holding them inside for days.
Ranting, Broken-Hearted Angry Quirk