Everything is fine...I couldn't hurt more.

"I am a little bit broken inside, but I will smile & say 'everything is fine' and the thing that scares me is that I really will be."

So, the weekend of hell is finally over. And really, for the start of it I actually had a really good weekend. My heart was shattered. But I found plenty of people who helped me pick up the pieces and soon we'll super glue them together. So it will be okay. It's just not so much now.

I got a letter on Thursday from my (no longer) missionary. In which he stated he did not understand how I thought he had feelings for me any longer. I must have been reading between the lines (his words, not mine) & that there is absolutely no possibility of us having a relationship. He is happier without me and doesn't want me to write him anymore. Along with a few other choice lines that I know he put in there just to get me mad & get over him faster. I'm not sure how much it's going to work.

The thing that's surprising (& still very very nice) is that I am hurt but I'm not destitute or distraught. I definitely feel my Heavenly Father helping me. I know that I'm not going through this alone and that I will rise above it all and become better. And I know that I have done everything the way I was supposed to. No decision I have made over waiting was not made until after extensive prayer and even fasting. (Which says alot considering that means my going without food.) And I know that's where I felt peace. And while it confuses me to think that I felt the peace and then something like this happens I know that I will learn to understand it and that this is something I will learn and grow from it as well. Also I know that I can better myself from this experience.

It scares me in so many ways. I'm having to completely regroup and change my paradigm. For the past almost 4 years I have looked at this kid as my future. I have considered him my future. So it's going to be quite a bit before I can get over that. But I am able to recognize so many things that I think I would not have before now. So realistically, the timing on this is good too. Because I am able to recognize the good from this.

Another thing I can be grateful for is the support I have. I had one friend offer to drive down 2 1/2 hours to see me, even skip work for it. And another was over the moment she got off work and her fiance is okay with me tagging along into their life. Also my family has been my greatest strength. They were there for me and have supported me through every single step of the past 4 years. And they are willing to listen to me cry and lament and be happy and everything. They offer wonderful advice and they are simply amazing. I really am so grateful for them.

His Mother is my hero as well. She called me and talked to my parents and was quick to let me know she still cared and she wants me to get through this, to rise above it and that I will be okay. She let my family know she still cares and she wants to be there. So I am grateful for that. All around I am very very grateful for the friends and the family I have. For the support. And even though I still hurt, I'm very functional and I'm not completely vengeful. (I still plan on making him regret every letting me go) But I'm functioning. Everything is fine. Even if I couldn't hurt any more than I do.

Seriously Evan

So I've been feeling restless and stircrazy lately so yesterday I drove up north, picked up one of my best friends, and met our other best friend at the Seriously Evan CD release party. It was lots of fun--although kinda stupid of me to take a 2 1/2 hour trip for a 1 1/2 hour show. But it was their last show since Chaz is leaving for his mission. And they're way entertaining--and it did get me out of Sanpete. I almost felt reckless. (almost) It was good to see my old roommates (the best friends) and just be a teenager for a littly bit. Still though, I should try to get a life here. However, it's easier to complain than actually doing something. And I am happy. It was a good day yesterday. I got plates on my Element and then drove to the concert. I also got their awesome new CD--their 1st CD is really good too! And a wicked T shirt. yup. I guess I officially am deemed one of their groupies--technically I probably became a groupie long before this. Still though. Check them out if anyone ever wants to. they have a Music Video: Geek Chic (Stinking hysterical) & also I think you can find them on iTunes. (I don't know I just buy the CDs) They're pretty awesome guys though.

Gasoline Runs

So I have officially taken out my 1st loan--scary scary thing that. It's weird because I have spent my college career being like 'loans are bad don't have one'. I made it through my bachelors without any--so now it's sort of a paradigm shift to have done so. But I did get my dream car. And I love him. (Yeah, it's a he) I named him Percy. He's not been very expensive & it's nice to know that I'm realistic enough to have a dream car that's actually real.
But other than Percy not too much is new in my life. I'm getting frustrated because I normally get the emails my missionary sends his family and I haven't for this month. But checking his mom's facebook he is sending letters. Is that stalkerish of me to do? and to be annoyed about? But it is frustrating. *sigh* He's been gone 20 months now & so I only have 4 more months of this insanity before I move onto a different craziness. But man these last 4 months are going to be so scary and hard.
That's all that I've got.

Serenity

Not really all that much going on in my life. In fact it's quite serene. Last weekend was general conference, which was, quite frankly: AMAZING! My family and I listened to Saturday's sessions while taking a scenic route along the Nebo Loop. It is so pretty. It just astonishes me the wonders of our world. During the priesthood session my Mum and I went to the movie "My Life in Ruins"--definitely one I suggest. It was really cute but good.
As for the rest of my life I am blessed. Really. But it is somewhat disconcerting. I look and realize. Many of my friends have husbands and babies. I have a missionary and a puppy. Kinda pathetic replacements. However, for now they do me just fine. I don't really have the sanity level for much more right now.