Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Experience Life.

It's crazy how life goes. But I have to say that I love it. Really. Lately I've taken some time for myself to decide things. And I can't always say I like what I see. But sometimes that's life. So I've decided to take a break from school--relatively. Really it's more like slow down and live a lot while I'm going to school--and focus on life experiences. Because so much of the past forever of my life has focused on school and working and accomplishing and becoming a success. And I've let other experiences pass me by. Simple ones. Like going to a bonfire with friends. Or taking that class that was all about fun and had nothing to do with my major. I did that once. And worried the whole time. So I'm going to stop worrying. And live. Because life really should be experienced. And that's not really me to try to do that but I would like it to be.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Grateful

So my last post was depressing. Which is good. Because life can be depressing. And I needed the moment to be dramatic. I fed into my id and I'm going to be honest. It was nice. It is sometimes very satisfying to be completely emotional. I can't always be strong and levelheaded with things. And I haven't really taken the time this past week to allow myself a truly emotional response without intellectualizing and justifying. So there was my moment. And I'm not going to intellectualize and justify and say that he really is a great person blah blah blah. But I am going to say that despite how things sometimes feel like they are horrible and bad. I am SO grateful for my life-and the little things. So here are some of the things I am grateful for. And yes some of them are strange. I just had an experience that made me very grateful for things.
I am grateful...
...that I am not pregnant with a child that will not know it's father.
...that I do not have any illegitimate children.
...that I do not have children with different fathers.
...that I do not have children, period, the end.
...that the most drama I've ever had in a relationship is with Eric and the shenanigans we've been dealing with, which comparatively isn't really so bad.
...that I do not have to pay $5 a pack for cigarettes, $? for alcohol or any other substance except for large quantities of ice cream and chocolate.
...that I do not have to party to get my kicks.
...that a bag of chips and Oreos is enough of a party for me.
...that My best friend knows me all too well.
...that I now have an appropriate bumper sticker for my car. ("You just got passed by a glorified toaster.:heh heh heh)
...for the gospel in my life.
...that my dog will cuddle with me.
...for my marvelous mother who worries about me and helps make me better.
...for my Dad, who always makes sure I am taken care of, even if it puts him in awkward moments, like me talking about my relationships.
...that God answers prayers--even if they are not always what I want.
...that I have options and few obligations.
...that I have friends who will do most anything for me.
...that I have adorable people who will constantly allow me to cry on their shoulders, which I do much more than I am willing to admit.
So thank you to my wonderful family (immediate and extended), my angels who are friends, and the relative humor and the life circumstances of others that make me realize how blessed my life is. Sometimes it's a vacuum (it sucks) but it could always be worse. And truly I am very blessed. I just forget to realize it.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Fool in Love

Dear Heartbreaker,

Honestly I don't even know where to begin. The worst thing is that I'm not even mad. Frustrated, yes. Heartbroken, definitely. Feeling lost is the worst though. But I act too intellectual to be really mad. I feel like, because it makes sense logically, then I can't fault you. But I want to. I wish that I could have a pure emotional reaction. So here is my attempt.

If I did I would tell you how much it hurts me to know that you may want me but you don't want me now. How frustrating it is for you to tell me that you don't know what you want. You knew that I was putting a lot out there to start dating you again! I asked you to make absolutely certain that this is what you wanted. And you told me yes! It was. And now you don't know. I don't think you understand what you put me through for this. Because it was so hard when you first hurt me to tell people about it. But I got used to it. I could deal with it.

Then things worked out again. I wouldn't even voice my hopes for this happening. But when it did it was wonderful. I had had my doubts. But I figured that unless you really, seriously cared then you wouldn't be there. Why would you come back to the person you hurt unless you realized you really did love them? It didn't make sense. And I never for a moment held back my feelings. You KNEW what you were getting into. You KNEW where I wanted things to go. I told you from the beginning that was how things were. Maybe that was my problem. I was too transparent and there was no chase. But I asked you to please make sure this is what you wanted. Because I didn't want something like this to happen.

Because here I am. Having to tell everyone it didn't work out. Again. And I feel like a fool for defending you to my friends. For saying that you really are a good person. And I feel like an even bigger fool for still loving you. For wanting you and hoping that you will figure things out. It's like eating crow again as well. I was so happy when you decided you wanted to give us another go. I felt like I was not mistaken. That maybe you really did love me. And it was liberating to be able to tell everyone who had their doubts that I was NOT a statistic. It was so nice to see the surprise on their faces. To let them know that I could be the exception.

And here I am again. And it doesn't seem like anybody else is surprised. Maybe they knew how things worked. But I sure didn't. And I feel like the fool. Its frustrating. I should NOT feel pathetic because I fell in love. Because I stayed in love. It should be a good thing that I can love enough to forgive and let go of my hurt and continue loving. I didn't forget. But I wanted to have a good start. But right now I feel ridiculous.

The thing is though I was the one who came forward. I wonder how long you would have continued if I hadn't said anything. That makes me angry sometimes too. That maybe you would just continue on like nothing was wrong. And to what end? I was the one who had to tell you that I didn't feel you were devoted. Do you realize how hard that was for me? Because I wanted this a lot. And yet I could tell that you didn't. So I talked to you. And it seems so logical. It was so easy to say that we should take a break. And yet it nearly destroyed me to hear you agree. To say we should break up. Really it should have been you all along.

And I hate that I don't hate you. Because things would be so much more simple if I did. So much easier to move on. I hate thinking that you may already be moving on. And that I need to be mature about all of this. I can't hate you, even though you keep breaking my heart. I don't want to quite move on even though it is stupid to continue letting this effect my life the way that it does.

And realistically if you don't want me enough now then you probably never will. That I think hurts the most. It is hard for me to realize that someone I care about so deeply, someone I have given so much of myself to, does not appreciate the effort. You most likely never will. I was willing to make you my world. And yet I had to fight to get even a place in yours. If that doesn't make me pathetic then I don't know what does.

With Love,

Broken-hearted Fool

So, as most know. Eric and I broke up last week. I wasn't unhappy. I want to say that he wasn't either. But I don't know. I did, however, sense that he was having second thoughts. So I approached him on it. Stupidly it was over the phone. Well first I talked to him in person but I wanted to think about things go over them and realize what the real problem was. I called him just to talk. It just seemed a girlfriend-ish thing to do--talk to my boyfriend on a drive home. But he asked what the problem was. So I told him. And we talked, very calm-like. And we broke up. Very calm-like.
But the thing is. I don't want to be a calm-like person in this. Because a lot of the time I don't feel very calm-like about it. When I'm sobbing because I'm alone I don't feel calm. When I look forward onto my life. I don't feel calm. But when I talk about breaking up. When I talk about our conversation. I say it calmly. When I talk about my emotions towards him. I say it calmly.
And the thing is I'm venting all the emotions that I won't vent anywhere else here.
So I will say that I do know that it was the right thing to break up. And I really don't hate him. I just don't want to keep this insane relationship up that just ends up hurting me. However. I don't know what else to do. Because I do love him. And I don't want anybody else.
So right now all my life is my job, my dog, and spending a LOT of time with my family.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Comic Relief

I've been told I need to post more. Which is funny because I really don't have anything to post. (Seriously) However I will provide the world of bloggers (all 4 of you) with the wonders of my weekend. My inconsistencies and my fears. And my joys.

So starting with last week. My little brother (emphasis on little because he's bigger than me) graduated high school. *sob* It really was sad. I can't believe how much life flies by. It just seems ordinary when it is somebody else that is moving onward. His graduation, by the way, was PERFECT. Seriously it was 50 minutes tops. Wonderful. I just about leapt for joy.
That night my mom and I did pedicures. For Mother's Day I gave my mom a coupon that stated a pedicure whenever she wanted. For anyone who knows me this is a huge sacrifice. My mom actually teared up. (alright not quite but I could tell she wanted to ;) ) But for those who are confused I have a deep and abiding hatred of feet. To the extent that it is almost a phobia. But one I have no desire to cure. I almost never voluntarily touch others feet (unless absolutely necessary--like for EMT). And if someone tries to touch my feet they are likely to get an earful and be kicked.

So onward from the disgusting feet story.
Friday was a lazy day with fun crafts. I really want to post pictures of my crafts. I wish I would have taken before and after pictures. But rest assured I will at least post after photos. And the few before pictures that I have. I painted a teapot. Then I made a ribbon board out of an old magnet board. And I finally put together my pillow. So Friday was my very successful craft day in which I luckily did NOT have class. After all my crafting I went to Shrek 4 with Eric and his family. Which was fabulous. I'm sure that boy is getting sick of me. But I LOVE spending time with him.
Saturday was crazy but I got to spend the entire day with Eric (anybody understanding the aspect where he might be sick of me.) This weekend was the Scandinavian Heritage Festival and our ward was doing an service project and manning the information booth. Eric and I had 9-10:30 which is rather humorous because neither of us really had any clue about the Festival. It's been several years since I've gone to the Scandinavian Days. Eric the same (seeing as how he's been gone). So we were relatively useless where information is involved (I don't think I'm supposed to admit that am I?) However we sold bus tours and successfully answered most of the questions presented to us. (I am almost certain I've used that description in a resume somewhere. Alas the joys of my job) ANYWHO ( I'm seriously getting off subject here.) After our hour and 1/2 was done we waltzed around the wonders of the festival (I'm waxing poetic here.) And we ran into my friend, Britain, which was great. (Shout out to you Brit because you're the one who told me to write this--regret it yet?)
After the waltzing Eric helped me try my hands at sprinkler maintenance. (In other words I watched while he tried to set up a sprinkler system.) Then we went over to my family's house for a BBQ--with a LOT of my Mom's family. So Eric had to put up with a lot of people asking him how serious we were.
Oh hilarious moment. My little brother (the one who's bigger than me) declares complete and utter hatred for Eric. Really. We've had a conversation before where he told me that if I truly loved him I'd break up with Eric. I told him that if he really loved me he wouldn't ask that and trust my judgement. Anywho so Eric got there and Braden stuck to him like glue. Eric and I went out to fix my bike Braden followed. Forever. Eventually Eric said he should go and started heading out and Braden started complaining. "But I wanted you to play Halo with me." So Eric spent the next 2 hours playing Halo. (Silly boys)
Anywho the rest of the time was spent with Eric. Sunday was church. Pretty nonchalant.
And Monday was Memorial Day. I would like to take this paragraph to honor our loved ones who have gone. And to honor our servicemen and women. In particular I remembered my McArthur Grandparents, their parents, my Uncle Kelly, my cousin Kris, and my Grandma Roberts. It is so important to remember the past. These people, even though I do not remember the majority of them, still helped shape me into the person I am. They have given me my heritage. And it's extremely important to remember them.
Then last night this is just my silliness but it's also my comic relief for the day. However around 3 in the morning I woke up (it was hot so I wasn't sleeping well to begin with) to my neighbor's dogs barking. This has never happened before. So it frightened me. A lot. Seriously, I lay in bed terrified that there was a serial killer or rapist outside. I knew I shouldn't have watched Bones before I went to bed! As my mind went racing I realized that I forgot to lock my back door. Great. Not only was there a psychopath outside but now he had access to my house. And my dog is NOT going to scare him away. She'd probably want to be his friend.
Here was my biggest problem. I had my windows open in my bedroom and my nightwear was not exactly the type of thing I'd want a serial killer seeing me in. And I figured if I turned on a light it might tempt him. (yeah, my reasoning is flawed) However I kept thinking that every noise I heard was the homicidal maniac coming in through my door to murder me. And I finally got up and locked the door. Then went into every room in my house to ensure that no crazy psycho killers were around. Then slept very deeply once I was reassured. I did however proceed with caution when I went to take Giselle out in the morning. Who knows who could be lurking around. But I am safe and it was all in my melodramatic mind. Although, I do have to give myself props. This is the first time I've been terrified while being in my house alone. "I am woman. Hear me roar."
That's all folks.