Fool in Love

Dear Heartbreaker,

Honestly I don't even know where to begin. The worst thing is that I'm not even mad. Frustrated, yes. Heartbroken, definitely. Feeling lost is the worst though. But I act too intellectual to be really mad. I feel like, because it makes sense logically, then I can't fault you. But I want to. I wish that I could have a pure emotional reaction. So here is my attempt.

If I did I would tell you how much it hurts me to know that you may want me but you don't want me now. How frustrating it is for you to tell me that you don't know what you want. You knew that I was putting a lot out there to start dating you again! I asked you to make absolutely certain that this is what you wanted. And you told me yes! It was. And now you don't know. I don't think you understand what you put me through for this. Because it was so hard when you first hurt me to tell people about it. But I got used to it. I could deal with it.

Then things worked out again. I wouldn't even voice my hopes for this happening. But when it did it was wonderful. I had had my doubts. But I figured that unless you really, seriously cared then you wouldn't be there. Why would you come back to the person you hurt unless you realized you really did love them? It didn't make sense. And I never for a moment held back my feelings. You KNEW what you were getting into. You KNEW where I wanted things to go. I told you from the beginning that was how things were. Maybe that was my problem. I was too transparent and there was no chase. But I asked you to please make sure this is what you wanted. Because I didn't want something like this to happen.

Because here I am. Having to tell everyone it didn't work out. Again. And I feel like a fool for defending you to my friends. For saying that you really are a good person. And I feel like an even bigger fool for still loving you. For wanting you and hoping that you will figure things out. It's like eating crow again as well. I was so happy when you decided you wanted to give us another go. I felt like I was not mistaken. That maybe you really did love me. And it was liberating to be able to tell everyone who had their doubts that I was NOT a statistic. It was so nice to see the surprise on their faces. To let them know that I could be the exception.

And here I am again. And it doesn't seem like anybody else is surprised. Maybe they knew how things worked. But I sure didn't. And I feel like the fool. Its frustrating. I should NOT feel pathetic because I fell in love. Because I stayed in love. It should be a good thing that I can love enough to forgive and let go of my hurt and continue loving. I didn't forget. But I wanted to have a good start. But right now I feel ridiculous.

The thing is though I was the one who came forward. I wonder how long you would have continued if I hadn't said anything. That makes me angry sometimes too. That maybe you would just continue on like nothing was wrong. And to what end? I was the one who had to tell you that I didn't feel you were devoted. Do you realize how hard that was for me? Because I wanted this a lot. And yet I could tell that you didn't. So I talked to you. And it seems so logical. It was so easy to say that we should take a break. And yet it nearly destroyed me to hear you agree. To say we should break up. Really it should have been you all along.

And I hate that I don't hate you. Because things would be so much more simple if I did. So much easier to move on. I hate thinking that you may already be moving on. And that I need to be mature about all of this. I can't hate you, even though you keep breaking my heart. I don't want to quite move on even though it is stupid to continue letting this effect my life the way that it does.

And realistically if you don't want me enough now then you probably never will. That I think hurts the most. It is hard for me to realize that someone I care about so deeply, someone I have given so much of myself to, does not appreciate the effort. You most likely never will. I was willing to make you my world. And yet I had to fight to get even a place in yours. If that doesn't make me pathetic then I don't know what does.

With Love,

Broken-hearted Fool

So, as most know. Eric and I broke up last week. I wasn't unhappy. I want to say that he wasn't either. But I don't know. I did, however, sense that he was having second thoughts. So I approached him on it. Stupidly it was over the phone. Well first I talked to him in person but I wanted to think about things go over them and realize what the real problem was. I called him just to talk. It just seemed a girlfriend-ish thing to do--talk to my boyfriend on a drive home. But he asked what the problem was. So I told him. And we talked, very calm-like. And we broke up. Very calm-like.
But the thing is. I don't want to be a calm-like person in this. Because a lot of the time I don't feel very calm-like about it. When I'm sobbing because I'm alone I don't feel calm. When I look forward onto my life. I don't feel calm. But when I talk about breaking up. When I talk about our conversation. I say it calmly. When I talk about my emotions towards him. I say it calmly.
And the thing is I'm venting all the emotions that I won't vent anywhere else here.
So I will say that I do know that it was the right thing to break up. And I really don't hate him. I just don't want to keep this insane relationship up that just ends up hurting me. However. I don't know what else to do. Because I do love him. And I don't want anybody else.
So right now all my life is my job, my dog, and spending a LOT of time with my family.