Everything is fine...I couldn't hurt more.

"I am a little bit broken inside, but I will smile & say 'everything is fine' and the thing that scares me is that I really will be."

So, the weekend of hell is finally over. And really, for the start of it I actually had a really good weekend. My heart was shattered. But I found plenty of people who helped me pick up the pieces and soon we'll super glue them together. So it will be okay. It's just not so much now.

I got a letter on Thursday from my (no longer) missionary. In which he stated he did not understand how I thought he had feelings for me any longer. I must have been reading between the lines (his words, not mine) & that there is absolutely no possibility of us having a relationship. He is happier without me and doesn't want me to write him anymore. Along with a few other choice lines that I know he put in there just to get me mad & get over him faster. I'm not sure how much it's going to work.

The thing that's surprising (& still very very nice) is that I am hurt but I'm not destitute or distraught. I definitely feel my Heavenly Father helping me. I know that I'm not going through this alone and that I will rise above it all and become better. And I know that I have done everything the way I was supposed to. No decision I have made over waiting was not made until after extensive prayer and even fasting. (Which says alot considering that means my going without food.) And I know that's where I felt peace. And while it confuses me to think that I felt the peace and then something like this happens I know that I will learn to understand it and that this is something I will learn and grow from it as well. Also I know that I can better myself from this experience.

It scares me in so many ways. I'm having to completely regroup and change my paradigm. For the past almost 4 years I have looked at this kid as my future. I have considered him my future. So it's going to be quite a bit before I can get over that. But I am able to recognize so many things that I think I would not have before now. So realistically, the timing on this is good too. Because I am able to recognize the good from this.

Another thing I can be grateful for is the support I have. I had one friend offer to drive down 2 1/2 hours to see me, even skip work for it. And another was over the moment she got off work and her fiance is okay with me tagging along into their life. Also my family has been my greatest strength. They were there for me and have supported me through every single step of the past 4 years. And they are willing to listen to me cry and lament and be happy and everything. They offer wonderful advice and they are simply amazing. I really am so grateful for them.

His Mother is my hero as well. She called me and talked to my parents and was quick to let me know she still cared and she wants me to get through this, to rise above it and that I will be okay. She let my family know she still cares and she wants to be there. So I am grateful for that. All around I am very very grateful for the friends and the family I have. For the support. And even though I still hurt, I'm very functional and I'm not completely vengeful. (I still plan on making him regret every letting me go) But I'm functioning. Everything is fine. Even if I couldn't hurt any more than I do.