Rainbows and Sunshine

I am officially 21--Yeah, I feel like an old fogey now (j/k.) It's really quite funny. Because I have been so nervous over this birthday. Already I worry about getting older. I still, in some ways, feel like I'm 18. I don't feel like I've aged since I turned 18--instead I've just gotten more experienced. And really the only achievement I can really celebrate with this age is that I can now officially work with youth if I so deemed. I don't drink. And I doubt I'm going to go gambling. Or clubbing for that matter (although, we'll see about that.) Anywho. So I've been worrying about this. And then I realized that really if I think about it I have already experienced a lot of the "gateways" that make me an official adult--Long before I turned 21. I have already graduated from college (twice >.<) I have worked a paying, benefit-giving full time job for a year. I am working on a masters degree. I have bought a car. I am independent and self-sufficient. I am, in many ways, more adult than many people my age. So I guess I need not freak out so much. My birthday wasn't necessarily a big day. I worked like normal--so 10 hours. But my family did take me to dinner. And there was an amazing rainbow--I haven't seen a rainbow in forever. So this was wonderful. Here's some pictures I got of them. They're not very good because they were on my cell phone. But even still enjoy their glory.

Projecting Frenzy

Ready for a long post? Good.
So I keep really wanting to post some of the new projects I've been doing at my house. But I've never had the pictures and a computer at the same time. But I've been going crazy with projects. Okay, crazy for me. And would like to post some of them. Because I like to show off. Really, that's the extent of my reasoning. So here goes.
This first one has been in the making for about...8 years. >.< Really. Sad I know. But my excuse is that I was about 13 when I decided to start on it. It's also very special to me. We called it a toy box.

Here's the back

It resided at my Grandpa's house all my growing up years. My uncle made it in a shop class when HE went to high school. So it's special. And I started sanding it back when I was 13. So there really are no pictures of it in it's original hideousness. But imagine the entire thing the same shade as the lid. So I liked it but I always knew that it would not stay as is. So I sanded some back when I was 13. Then presently, I sanded it some more. Then puttied the worst parts. And sanded. Then primed it. Painted it a horrible color of green. (It was supposed to be cute.) Changed my tune with that and then came out with this:


Yes the inside is yellow. It's my own little box of sunshine. The pillow I made too. I haven't created the cover but here is a picture with the finished pillow and the material I bought for the cover. Whenever I get a sewing machine.

Onward to my next project though:

This baby was on the side of the road about to become wood scraps in the dump. I saved it. Seriously, all the blog reading I've been doing lately is extremely bad for me. Because it makes me want to try to reinvent things. I liked the whole rustic feel of this chair though. I thought of pioneers when I first saw it. But this original picture does not show the real damage to the wood. I took a close up to try to get the real feeling to it

So I sanded this. A lot. I'm beginning to think that the $30 I spent on my hand sander has been the best thing ever. Except I want to do even more things. Which can be a problem. Anywho. So I sanded this first with 60 grit. Then 100. Then 150. Then primed and spray painted. Then sanded some more to distress it. Then Let it sit outside for a very long time--through a couple rainstorms where the paint chipped. Yeah, that wasn't on purpose but I decided it kept with the shabby rustic feel I wanted. I will probably have to paint it once more and then seal it so that it doesn't chip anymore but it seems like an old chair with a history. And a personality.
So here's the finished project. At least, for now.

I considered clamping the crack down the middle in and fixing that. But I think that it may be beyond repair. And I like it. I think it adds to the character of my old chair. It really is amazing how much a coat of paint--and a lot of sawdust--can make a chair that was going to become dump truck food into my own little front door greeting. And trust me, compared to the outside of my rental the chair looks fabulous.

Now here's my side table. I got this at a yard sale from my Aunt.

Here's a close up of the gross peeling top.

And another of the side.

I thought it had potential. I was told, however, that I would be strung up by my toes and slaughtered if I painted it--I'm only being slightly dramatic with this. My life felt threatened. So I decided to be new and different for once and tried wood staining. I learned a few things quickly. 1-the stain gets everywhere. And 2-it needs to be outdoors for at LEAST 24 hours so that it no longer smells. I stained and then put a coat of polyurethane on it. Again it gets everywhere and needs 24 hours airing out. The top was still cracked and I couldn't see what else I could do for it--it's an odd size and I didn't have paper that I thought fit, so I found some scrap material I had around. Eventually I'll actually modge podge the fabric on but I want to sew it nicely first, which requires a sewing machine. So for now the glass that came with the table will do.

I actually am very impressed. I am going to put it in my guest bedroom and (hopefully) stain the bed in there the same color. Of course, I will have to see how that goes.
Now for the most recent project, this came with my guest bed. (Both for free. I love family!) And while it has proven useful it's definitely not anything in the looks department.

Attractive right? Yes I especially like the green paint spot on him.

This was a very spontaneous project late at night. And I was surprised to find that it worked and fit my room. Because I was just being random and using what was available. But here's how it turned out though


So there are my current finished projects. I am currently working on this chair. As you can see by the already sanded arm And this bedframe.With only about 100 more things that I could do. When I should worry much more about a social life. And school. However they provide something to create and something that doesn't come with limitations or expectations.

Experience Life.

It's crazy how life goes. But I have to say that I love it. Really. Lately I've taken some time for myself to decide things. And I can't always say I like what I see. But sometimes that's life. So I've decided to take a break from school--relatively. Really it's more like slow down and live a lot while I'm going to school--and focus on life experiences. Because so much of the past forever of my life has focused on school and working and accomplishing and becoming a success. And I've let other experiences pass me by. Simple ones. Like going to a bonfire with friends. Or taking that class that was all about fun and had nothing to do with my major. I did that once. And worried the whole time. So I'm going to stop worrying. And live. Because life really should be experienced. And that's not really me to try to do that but I would like it to be.

Grateful

So my last post was depressing. Which is good. Because life can be depressing. And I needed the moment to be dramatic. I fed into my id and I'm going to be honest. It was nice. It is sometimes very satisfying to be completely emotional. I can't always be strong and levelheaded with things. And I haven't really taken the time this past week to allow myself a truly emotional response without intellectualizing and justifying. So there was my moment. And I'm not going to intellectualize and justify and say that he really is a great person blah blah blah. But I am going to say that despite how things sometimes feel like they are horrible and bad. I am SO grateful for my life-and the little things. So here are some of the things I am grateful for. And yes some of them are strange. I just had an experience that made me very grateful for things.
I am grateful...
...that I am not pregnant with a child that will not know it's father.
...that I do not have any illegitimate children.
...that I do not have children with different fathers.
...that I do not have children, period, the end.
...that the most drama I've ever had in a relationship is with Eric and the shenanigans we've been dealing with, which comparatively isn't really so bad.
...that I do not have to pay $5 a pack for cigarettes, $? for alcohol or any other substance except for large quantities of ice cream and chocolate.
...that I do not have to party to get my kicks.
...that a bag of chips and Oreos is enough of a party for me.
...that My best friend knows me all too well.
...that I now have an appropriate bumper sticker for my car. ("You just got passed by a glorified toaster.:heh heh heh)
...for the gospel in my life.
...that my dog will cuddle with me.
...for my marvelous mother who worries about me and helps make me better.
...for my Dad, who always makes sure I am taken care of, even if it puts him in awkward moments, like me talking about my relationships.
...that God answers prayers--even if they are not always what I want.
...that I have options and few obligations.
...that I have friends who will do most anything for me.
...that I have adorable people who will constantly allow me to cry on their shoulders, which I do much more than I am willing to admit.
So thank you to my wonderful family (immediate and extended), my angels who are friends, and the relative humor and the life circumstances of others that make me realize how blessed my life is. Sometimes it's a vacuum (it sucks) but it could always be worse. And truly I am very blessed. I just forget to realize it.

Fool in Love

Dear Heartbreaker,

Honestly I don't even know where to begin. The worst thing is that I'm not even mad. Frustrated, yes. Heartbroken, definitely. Feeling lost is the worst though. But I act too intellectual to be really mad. I feel like, because it makes sense logically, then I can't fault you. But I want to. I wish that I could have a pure emotional reaction. So here is my attempt.

If I did I would tell you how much it hurts me to know that you may want me but you don't want me now. How frustrating it is for you to tell me that you don't know what you want. You knew that I was putting a lot out there to start dating you again! I asked you to make absolutely certain that this is what you wanted. And you told me yes! It was. And now you don't know. I don't think you understand what you put me through for this. Because it was so hard when you first hurt me to tell people about it. But I got used to it. I could deal with it.

Then things worked out again. I wouldn't even voice my hopes for this happening. But when it did it was wonderful. I had had my doubts. But I figured that unless you really, seriously cared then you wouldn't be there. Why would you come back to the person you hurt unless you realized you really did love them? It didn't make sense. And I never for a moment held back my feelings. You KNEW what you were getting into. You KNEW where I wanted things to go. I told you from the beginning that was how things were. Maybe that was my problem. I was too transparent and there was no chase. But I asked you to please make sure this is what you wanted. Because I didn't want something like this to happen.

Because here I am. Having to tell everyone it didn't work out. Again. And I feel like a fool for defending you to my friends. For saying that you really are a good person. And I feel like an even bigger fool for still loving you. For wanting you and hoping that you will figure things out. It's like eating crow again as well. I was so happy when you decided you wanted to give us another go. I felt like I was not mistaken. That maybe you really did love me. And it was liberating to be able to tell everyone who had their doubts that I was NOT a statistic. It was so nice to see the surprise on their faces. To let them know that I could be the exception.

And here I am again. And it doesn't seem like anybody else is surprised. Maybe they knew how things worked. But I sure didn't. And I feel like the fool. Its frustrating. I should NOT feel pathetic because I fell in love. Because I stayed in love. It should be a good thing that I can love enough to forgive and let go of my hurt and continue loving. I didn't forget. But I wanted to have a good start. But right now I feel ridiculous.

The thing is though I was the one who came forward. I wonder how long you would have continued if I hadn't said anything. That makes me angry sometimes too. That maybe you would just continue on like nothing was wrong. And to what end? I was the one who had to tell you that I didn't feel you were devoted. Do you realize how hard that was for me? Because I wanted this a lot. And yet I could tell that you didn't. So I talked to you. And it seems so logical. It was so easy to say that we should take a break. And yet it nearly destroyed me to hear you agree. To say we should break up. Really it should have been you all along.

And I hate that I don't hate you. Because things would be so much more simple if I did. So much easier to move on. I hate thinking that you may already be moving on. And that I need to be mature about all of this. I can't hate you, even though you keep breaking my heart. I don't want to quite move on even though it is stupid to continue letting this effect my life the way that it does.

And realistically if you don't want me enough now then you probably never will. That I think hurts the most. It is hard for me to realize that someone I care about so deeply, someone I have given so much of myself to, does not appreciate the effort. You most likely never will. I was willing to make you my world. And yet I had to fight to get even a place in yours. If that doesn't make me pathetic then I don't know what does.

With Love,

Broken-hearted Fool

So, as most know. Eric and I broke up last week. I wasn't unhappy. I want to say that he wasn't either. But I don't know. I did, however, sense that he was having second thoughts. So I approached him on it. Stupidly it was over the phone. Well first I talked to him in person but I wanted to think about things go over them and realize what the real problem was. I called him just to talk. It just seemed a girlfriend-ish thing to do--talk to my boyfriend on a drive home. But he asked what the problem was. So I told him. And we talked, very calm-like. And we broke up. Very calm-like.
But the thing is. I don't want to be a calm-like person in this. Because a lot of the time I don't feel very calm-like about it. When I'm sobbing because I'm alone I don't feel calm. When I look forward onto my life. I don't feel calm. But when I talk about breaking up. When I talk about our conversation. I say it calmly. When I talk about my emotions towards him. I say it calmly.
And the thing is I'm venting all the emotions that I won't vent anywhere else here.
So I will say that I do know that it was the right thing to break up. And I really don't hate him. I just don't want to keep this insane relationship up that just ends up hurting me. However. I don't know what else to do. Because I do love him. And I don't want anybody else.
So right now all my life is my job, my dog, and spending a LOT of time with my family.

Comic Relief

I've been told I need to post more. Which is funny because I really don't have anything to post. (Seriously) However I will provide the world of bloggers (all 4 of you) with the wonders of my weekend. My inconsistencies and my fears. And my joys.

So starting with last week. My little brother (emphasis on little because he's bigger than me) graduated high school. *sob* It really was sad. I can't believe how much life flies by. It just seems ordinary when it is somebody else that is moving onward. His graduation, by the way, was PERFECT. Seriously it was 50 minutes tops. Wonderful. I just about leapt for joy.
That night my mom and I did pedicures. For Mother's Day I gave my mom a coupon that stated a pedicure whenever she wanted. For anyone who knows me this is a huge sacrifice. My mom actually teared up. (alright not quite but I could tell she wanted to ;) ) But for those who are confused I have a deep and abiding hatred of feet. To the extent that it is almost a phobia. But one I have no desire to cure. I almost never voluntarily touch others feet (unless absolutely necessary--like for EMT). And if someone tries to touch my feet they are likely to get an earful and be kicked.

So onward from the disgusting feet story.
Friday was a lazy day with fun crafts. I really want to post pictures of my crafts. I wish I would have taken before and after pictures. But rest assured I will at least post after photos. And the few before pictures that I have. I painted a teapot. Then I made a ribbon board out of an old magnet board. And I finally put together my pillow. So Friday was my very successful craft day in which I luckily did NOT have class. After all my crafting I went to Shrek 4 with Eric and his family. Which was fabulous. I'm sure that boy is getting sick of me. But I LOVE spending time with him.
Saturday was crazy but I got to spend the entire day with Eric (anybody understanding the aspect where he might be sick of me.) This weekend was the Scandinavian Heritage Festival and our ward was doing an service project and manning the information booth. Eric and I had 9-10:30 which is rather humorous because neither of us really had any clue about the Festival. It's been several years since I've gone to the Scandinavian Days. Eric the same (seeing as how he's been gone). So we were relatively useless where information is involved (I don't think I'm supposed to admit that am I?) However we sold bus tours and successfully answered most of the questions presented to us. (I am almost certain I've used that description in a resume somewhere. Alas the joys of my job) ANYWHO ( I'm seriously getting off subject here.) After our hour and 1/2 was done we waltzed around the wonders of the festival (I'm waxing poetic here.) And we ran into my friend, Britain, which was great. (Shout out to you Brit because you're the one who told me to write this--regret it yet?)
After the waltzing Eric helped me try my hands at sprinkler maintenance. (In other words I watched while he tried to set up a sprinkler system.) Then we went over to my family's house for a BBQ--with a LOT of my Mom's family. So Eric had to put up with a lot of people asking him how serious we were.
Oh hilarious moment. My little brother (the one who's bigger than me) declares complete and utter hatred for Eric. Really. We've had a conversation before where he told me that if I truly loved him I'd break up with Eric. I told him that if he really loved me he wouldn't ask that and trust my judgement. Anywho so Eric got there and Braden stuck to him like glue. Eric and I went out to fix my bike Braden followed. Forever. Eventually Eric said he should go and started heading out and Braden started complaining. "But I wanted you to play Halo with me." So Eric spent the next 2 hours playing Halo. (Silly boys)
Anywho the rest of the time was spent with Eric. Sunday was church. Pretty nonchalant.
And Monday was Memorial Day. I would like to take this paragraph to honor our loved ones who have gone. And to honor our servicemen and women. In particular I remembered my McArthur Grandparents, their parents, my Uncle Kelly, my cousin Kris, and my Grandma Roberts. It is so important to remember the past. These people, even though I do not remember the majority of them, still helped shape me into the person I am. They have given me my heritage. And it's extremely important to remember them.
Then last night this is just my silliness but it's also my comic relief for the day. However around 3 in the morning I woke up (it was hot so I wasn't sleeping well to begin with) to my neighbor's dogs barking. This has never happened before. So it frightened me. A lot. Seriously, I lay in bed terrified that there was a serial killer or rapist outside. I knew I shouldn't have watched Bones before I went to bed! As my mind went racing I realized that I forgot to lock my back door. Great. Not only was there a psychopath outside but now he had access to my house. And my dog is NOT going to scare him away. She'd probably want to be his friend.
Here was my biggest problem. I had my windows open in my bedroom and my nightwear was not exactly the type of thing I'd want a serial killer seeing me in. And I figured if I turned on a light it might tempt him. (yeah, my reasoning is flawed) However I kept thinking that every noise I heard was the homicidal maniac coming in through my door to murder me. And I finally got up and locked the door. Then went into every room in my house to ensure that no crazy psycho killers were around. Then slept very deeply once I was reassured. I did however proceed with caution when I went to take Giselle out in the morning. Who knows who could be lurking around. But I am safe and it was all in my melodramatic mind. Although, I do have to give myself props. This is the first time I've been terrified while being in my house alone. "I am woman. Hear me roar."
That's all folks.

Life or Something Like It

Things are crazy, as is per usual. And it's a good crazy. I have so much to be grateful. Eric came home last Wednesday--after a 7 hour delay due to the ash cloud and missing 3 connecting flights. Yeah, I was not exactly the happiest camper. I figure I've waited long enough for him. I was not happy to wait even more, even if it was only a day. He came over and took me to lunch. Which gave him mucho points. Then he came over that night to watch a movie and told me all about his trip. I love just sitting there and listening to that man. Seriously, its ridiculous but I know he's not really a talkative person. And I love that he chooses me to share with. (Yeah, twitterpated nausea. I know)

Thursday I began my new adventure of school. That was so not fun. I think I'm insane to be doing this half of the time. But those around me have faith that I can do it and that's what matters really. I must say I am so grateful to my family and boyfriend and friends who all have much more faith in me than I do. It's so nice to have their support because there are so any doubts I have about myself.

Friday I continued with my adventure, but not before I spent sometime with Heather and her boyfriend who has recently come home.

Saturday made me grateful for my life. We visited my Aunt who has recently been diagnosed with a really aggresive form of breast cancer. The thing that amazes me is how optimistic she is. The entire time she told us why she was grateful. And how things were good. She's not naive. But she's grateful for the here and now. It blows my mind. And makes me realize I need to appreciate my health and work to keep myself healthy. I also got to go to a babyshower and see my family. I also got to spend some fabulous time just my mom and me. I love that lady. I honestly would not know what to do without her.
After the baby shower and the family stuff I spray painted my bench that I've been working on. I keep getting these strange misconceptions that I can actually do home improvement and crafts. It always comes up as an adventure. I think though that this adventure will be successful. In fact I feel like most of my house has been successful. I don't know about this craft business though. I wonder if I might get too into it and then I'll forever be looking at things on how I want to change them. But if I ever get brave I'll post pictures of the befores and afters. I think I'm going to like things. But now I need to sew a cover for the seat (it's a hideous 70s material right now) then I think i'm going to move onto my chair. Anywho, moving onward. After painting and decorating I went over to Eric's house and learned how to play Rook then watched a movie.

Sunday was relatively quiet. Church then after a marvelous nap I went over to my family's house. Eric came over, he was a little nervous to see my family but I hope they put him to ease. We baked and then went for a walk. Outside things were fabulous.

Now I'm back to working and going crazy. I really wonder if I haven't gotten myself in too deep. Working, school, and dating. And I'll tell you who comes out on top when I think about those options--okay so my job does. But when it comes to spending time with Eric or doing homework or reading up on such and such theory...well I'm really behind on my schooling. And it's only the first week. This summer thing really wasn't a good idea. I just want to play. *sigh* Oh well. I guess things will work out and it will all be good in the end. But that's it for my life. It's crazy but really my life is pretty idyllic. At least when I stop and think about it. I still have problems but really, who wants to hear about those? (Too bad I tell you anyway huh.) That's my life--or something like it.